I recently encouraged my best friend, to observe the “Three Day Rule” regarding when to call a chick after getting her number. The popular wisdom is that by waiting three days to re-establish contact you can fool her into thinking you’re not as desperate as you probably are. It’s a solid strategy and a good rule of thumb for amateurs like Ted, but there’s a more technical approach for intrepid souls that requires both advanced expertise and polished skills… the “Four Day Rule.”
Waiting four days instead of three gives you a considerable edge when it comes to winning over a woman, but this strategy raises many frequently asked questions from gentlemen callers:
If I girl gives me her number, doesn’t that mean she wants me to call her? Why do I have to wait so long?
If you call a girl right away and other guys follow suit, eventually women will expect timely correspondence… and that’s an unnecessary burden for everyone.
Okay, then why don’t I just wait a week, or a month, or even a year? Waiting a week makes her think you were too scared to call and a month makes it seem like you’re even more desperate than calling her the first night. As far as waiting a year, experiments are underway to determine at what exact time period a belated call from the past will fool a chick into thinking you haven’t been able to get her out of your mind after all this time, which can lead to some spirited nostalgic sex.
I scored a few phone numbers over the weekend and I’m worried I will mess up the days and call too soon or too early. What should I do? Spreadsheet. Heh.
Okay, I’ve waited ninety-six hours. When’s the best time to call her? Call during the middle of the day. You’ll have a better chance of catching her voicemail, and then, with any luck, the ball will be in her court. If the gods are in your favor, you might even be able to set something up without ever actually having to talk with her.
Everyone I know swears by the Three Day Rule. Why are you such a proponent of the Four Day Rule? If everyone you know has heard of the “Three Day Rule,” then you can rest assured that women have heard of it, too. By waiting an extra day, you can really make that random chick you met while drunk feel unique.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
HALLOWEEN SLUTS
Halloween is just around the corner, ok yeah a few months left (maybe a bit more than that), and you know what that means: Girls dressed in slutty costumes all across the city... It’s like Christmas in October! It’s a longstanding Manu tradition to ring in November 1 snacking on something tasty I picked up the night before. Employing my patented system of changing costumes throughout the evening for maximal anonymity, I’ve always been able to score multiple phone numbers from various tartlets at any given Halloween party. That said, sometimes the system encounters a minor snafu…
Example: Last Halloween, I distinctly remember… almost nothing. I woke up with four new numbers saved in my phone, all from various chicks decked out in their holiday sluttiest, but due to my post-Halloween hangover, I couldn’t connect the numbers to their respective skimpy costumes. Tip: Always remember at least one detail about a girl from the night before if you’re calling in hopes of a repeat performance. That’s just good manners. Luckily, based on the times I saved their numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes I donned throughout the party, I was able to reconstruct the night’s events with my own fairly impressive critical thinking skills and the following logic matrix.
I dressed as a Viking, a Ninja, Teddy Roosevelt and of course my old standby, Gandhi, although not necessarily in that order. I picked up one of four chicks in each costume: a Slutty Nun, Slutty Cinderella, a Slutty Slut and a Slutty some kind of creature with ears and a tail, I was pretty drunk by that point. To work the puzzle like I worked that party, X out a box when you’ve ruled it out based on the following clues. For example, Clue #1 says I didn’t wake up in my Ninja costume, so the Ninja / 2:21AM box is already crossed out. Hint: Some clues will allow you to X out more than one box. Are you up to the challenge?
Booze Clues – Or At Least What I Remember:
I didn’t wake up in my Ninja costume, but I know I ended the night with some tail.
The Slutty Slut was gone by November 1st, so she missed Gandhi... she too would go hungry.
Both Cinderella and the Nun were intrigued by my sword. I was still seeing throwing stars as I changed into Viking.
When I first entered the party, I spoke softly to hotties and showed them my “big stick.” Politically appropriate, yo. I was dressed as Teddy Roosevelt.
I got Cinderella’s number early. I was afraid her melons would turn into pumpkins at midnight.
--Were you able to keep up with my night?
Example: Last Halloween, I distinctly remember… almost nothing. I woke up with four new numbers saved in my phone, all from various chicks decked out in their holiday sluttiest, but due to my post-Halloween hangover, I couldn’t connect the numbers to their respective skimpy costumes. Tip: Always remember at least one detail about a girl from the night before if you’re calling in hopes of a repeat performance. That’s just good manners. Luckily, based on the times I saved their numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes I donned throughout the party, I was able to reconstruct the night’s events with my own fairly impressive critical thinking skills and the following logic matrix.
I dressed as a Viking, a Ninja, Teddy Roosevelt and of course my old standby, Gandhi, although not necessarily in that order. I picked up one of four chicks in each costume: a Slutty Nun, Slutty Cinderella, a Slutty Slut and a Slutty some kind of creature with ears and a tail, I was pretty drunk by that point. To work the puzzle like I worked that party, X out a box when you’ve ruled it out based on the following clues. For example, Clue #1 says I didn’t wake up in my Ninja costume, so the Ninja / 2:21AM box is already crossed out. Hint: Some clues will allow you to X out more than one box. Are you up to the challenge?
Booze Clues – Or At Least What I Remember:
I didn’t wake up in my Ninja costume, but I know I ended the night with some tail.
The Slutty Slut was gone by November 1st, so she missed Gandhi... she too would go hungry.
Both Cinderella and the Nun were intrigued by my sword. I was still seeing throwing stars as I changed into Viking.
When I first entered the party, I spoke softly to hotties and showed them my “big stick.” Politically appropriate, yo. I was dressed as Teddy Roosevelt.
I got Cinderella’s number early. I was afraid her melons would turn into pumpkins at midnight.
--Were you able to keep up with my night?
Monday, March 28, 2011
The Mermaid Theory
SUMMARY:
In conclusion, The Mermaid Theory proves that a chick's hotness - as measured in units of how much you want to bone her - increases in direct proportion to the time exposed to her. (See attached figure)
The theory draws its uniquely and incredibly creative nomenclature from the olden days, before airplanes made boats obsolete... not only as a mode of transportation but also as the preferred vehicle to have sex on.
Sailors and explorers on particularly long voyages found that manatees - those large blubbery water creatures - would magically morph into beautiful mermaids that said sailors wanted to knock flippers with. This, the legend of mermaids was born, straight out of the male mind's unfaltering desire to find something, anything, to stick it to.
For the modern male the theory translates as follows: No matter how hot or unhot a woman is, eventually you will want to sleep with her. The time it takes for this process to occur is the chick's "Mermaid Clock." It starts the first time you lay eyes on a chick* and stops ticking the instant you want to get your jam on.
___________________________________
*probably her boobs, though dropping something on the floor to check out her butt is perfectly acceptable. If the latter, I recommend your cell phone because then you can snap a photo while you're down there – it's called "multitasking."
As an example, if you met Scarlett Johansson, her Mermaid Clock would be .00000001 seconds. She's hot and you would immediately want to inspect those two grapefruits she's strutting around with. Conversely, if you met a less attractive woman, her clock could last anywhere between a couple of hours (e.g. she's nearing 30) to a couple of years (e.g. she's nearing 35).
Chapter Review Questions:
1. Think of the ugliest girl you ever wanted to bone (when alcohol wasn't prominently involved). How long was her mermaid clock?
2. Can a woman be a mermaid to me but a manatee to all my bros?
In conclusion, The Mermaid Theory proves that a chick's hotness - as measured in units of how much you want to bone her - increases in direct proportion to the time exposed to her. (See attached figure)
The theory draws its uniquely and incredibly creative nomenclature from the olden days, before airplanes made boats obsolete... not only as a mode of transportation but also as the preferred vehicle to have sex on.
Sailors and explorers on particularly long voyages found that manatees - those large blubbery water creatures - would magically morph into beautiful mermaids that said sailors wanted to knock flippers with. This, the legend of mermaids was born, straight out of the male mind's unfaltering desire to find something, anything, to stick it to.
For the modern male the theory translates as follows: No matter how hot or unhot a woman is, eventually you will want to sleep with her. The time it takes for this process to occur is the chick's "Mermaid Clock." It starts the first time you lay eyes on a chick* and stops ticking the instant you want to get your jam on.
___________________________________
*probably her boobs, though dropping something on the floor to check out her butt is perfectly acceptable. If the latter, I recommend your cell phone because then you can snap a photo while you're down there – it's called "multitasking."
As an example, if you met Scarlett Johansson, her Mermaid Clock would be .00000001 seconds. She's hot and you would immediately want to inspect those two grapefruits she's strutting around with. Conversely, if you met a less attractive woman, her clock could last anywhere between a couple of hours (e.g. she's nearing 30) to a couple of years (e.g. she's nearing 35).
Chapter Review Questions:
1. Think of the ugliest girl you ever wanted to bone (when alcohol wasn't prominently involved). How long was her mermaid clock?
2. Can a woman be a mermaid to me but a manatee to all my bros?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Too Tall For My Britches
To the readers who've already procured for themselves a taller-than-average drink of water, I can only say that manu-awesome.blogspot.com cannot be held responsible for the difficulties you have surely encountered. In short, don't believe everything you read on the Internet.
For those of you who have not yet started down the path of tallness, here are a few of the perils of this less-than-ideal thing to do.
TRACKING SKILLS: Apparently, the taller-than-you chick's unique stature allows her to constantly locate and ogle other potential mates, like a periscope in a sea of dudes. No matter where you are, be you seated or be you standing, she will be constantly looking right over your head, almost as if she were not that captivated by your rakish charms. Now, please have in mind this is not your fault. It could and does happen to everyone. The girl is merely behaving in accordance with the length of her neck.
FORGETFULNESS: Apparently, the mental duress of coordinating so many inches of tall chick body leaves very little brainpower left over for remembering things. Things like which bar a gentleman may have suggested a tall chick meet him at, or where she put his business card when he gave it to her. It seems even minor things like unreturned voicemail can slip a tall girl's mind many times a day. I guess they're just too tall to pick up a phone and call you back.
INHUMANITY: Apparently, taller-than-you chick's narrow but lengthy ribcage is supported, in part, by the vacuum created by the absence of a human heart. It makes sense, if you think about it. No human heart would be strong enough to pump blood all the way to the ends of her freakishly long extremities. This lack of a heart makes it impossible for taller-than-you chick to experience normal, human emotions, which makes her oddly unsympathetic to a partner's needs and desires, and immune to lines and moves that would make a normal, shorter-than-you woman melt. Trust me, it's not even worth it.
In conclusion, dating a chick that is taller than you is not, as previously supposed, all that possible. And, really, it's her loss. We weren't even that interested in taller-than-you chick to begin with.
I therefore annul Taller-Than-You-Chick's recent victory in the 2010 NHCA Women's Hotness Championship. Thats it my friends
For those of you who have not yet started down the path of tallness, here are a few of the perils of this less-than-ideal thing to do.
TRACKING SKILLS: Apparently, the taller-than-you chick's unique stature allows her to constantly locate and ogle other potential mates, like a periscope in a sea of dudes. No matter where you are, be you seated or be you standing, she will be constantly looking right over your head, almost as if she were not that captivated by your rakish charms. Now, please have in mind this is not your fault. It could and does happen to everyone. The girl is merely behaving in accordance with the length of her neck.
FORGETFULNESS: Apparently, the mental duress of coordinating so many inches of tall chick body leaves very little brainpower left over for remembering things. Things like which bar a gentleman may have suggested a tall chick meet him at, or where she put his business card when he gave it to her. It seems even minor things like unreturned voicemail can slip a tall girl's mind many times a day. I guess they're just too tall to pick up a phone and call you back.
INHUMANITY: Apparently, taller-than-you chick's narrow but lengthy ribcage is supported, in part, by the vacuum created by the absence of a human heart. It makes sense, if you think about it. No human heart would be strong enough to pump blood all the way to the ends of her freakishly long extremities. This lack of a heart makes it impossible for taller-than-you chick to experience normal, human emotions, which makes her oddly unsympathetic to a partner's needs and desires, and immune to lines and moves that would make a normal, shorter-than-you woman melt. Trust me, it's not even worth it.
In conclusion, dating a chick that is taller than you is not, as previously supposed, all that possible. And, really, it's her loss. We weren't even that interested in taller-than-you chick to begin with.
I therefore annul Taller-Than-You-Chick's recent victory in the 2010 NHCA Women's Hotness Championship. Thats it my friends
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Pray for Japan
A massive earthquake struck northeastern Japan on Friday afternoon, generating massive tsunami along broad areas of the Pacific coast. Hundreds of deaths have been reported. Many people are missing. Japan's Meteorological Agency says the quake struck at 2:46 PM Friday local time off the coast of Miyagi Prefecture. The quake's estimated magnitude has been upgraded to 8.8 -- the strongest on record to ever hit Japan.
Please Continue Praying.
Thank you.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The Naked Man
As society and culture has evolved, our ancient ancestors, the cavemen, have found themselves relegated to a punch line. No longer thought of as the bridge from past.
But I say the time has come to give these Neanderthals (are they people? I'm not sure) their due. After all, they gave us the wheel. They gave us fire. And based on cave paintings found in Bulgaria over the weekend, they gave us: The Naked Man.
Primitive? Yes. While modern-day man may have more sophisticated means at his disposal to seduce a woman (eg., alcohol, money), let's not forget these pre-historic innovators were fearless. Not only did they live among saber-tooth tigers and dangerous wooly mammoths, but also lady cavemen who were really, really hairy.
Below are the aforementioned cave paintings and a description by a legendary archaeologist who prefers to remain anonymous. Let's just say he survived a temple of doom, a last crusade, and some really stupid crystal aliens.
Step 1:
You and the woman you clubbed enjoy rotting deer carcass by torch light. = You and your girl came home after a date.
Step 2:
Your woman steps out to use the little girl's cave. You take off your loin cloth. = Your girl leaves to use the bathroom. You take off your clothes and leave them to a side.
Step 3:
Delighted by your boldness and unharnessed masculinity, you make the two-humped mastodon. = Delighted by your boldness and unharnessed masculinity, you make love all night.
Be awared this works...2 out of 3 times.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
My One and Only Rule
I am, if nothing else, a man of integrity. I choose to live a life governed by strict morals, morals that are often difficult to remember. That's why I've simplified everything into one simple, easy-to-understand rule:
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
For me, it's just that simple. Whenever I encounter an ethically gray situation, that one rule almost always guides me in the proper direction.
After you've discovered your own "one rule," you'll need to commit it to memory. I find it helps to take out a piece of paper and simply write your rule over and over, like this:
"I only have one rule:"
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.
If you're gonna get it on in a portable toilet, do it early in the day.
Never meet a girl's parents.
Never pass up a free sample.
Never pet a chicken.
If "Don't Stop Believing" comes on, stop whatever you're doing and sing along with one hand up in the air.
Never check a bag.
If it's yellow, flush it down, too.
Never spell check.
Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.
Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.
Never delete "Total Recall" from your DVR.
Never enter a wine bar. They attract women over 30.
Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.
No cats.
Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House.
Always wash your hands before returning to work.
Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.
However old a girl says she is‚ add five years. However much a girl says she weighs‚ add nine and a half kilos.
Never meet a girl for lunch.
Never repeat yourself.
Don't say the same thing twice.
Bang twice, dump once.
The longer the line, the better the food.
Throw it high, say "goodbye." Throw it low, you're going to the show.
When travelling internationally, it's best to stick to bottled water and avoid ice cubes.
C-cups and up.
Never run without stretching.
Never wear a clip-on.
Never use an airplane lavatory.
Wait at least an hour after eating before humping.
He who smelt it, dealt it.
Ask yourself, "What would Ramon do?" Then do the opposite.
Never order a "small" beer.
Black tie is never optional.
If someone yells "Duck!" then duck.
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
For me, it's just that simple. Whenever I encounter an ethically gray situation, that one rule almost always guides me in the proper direction.
After you've discovered your own "one rule," you'll need to commit it to memory. I find it helps to take out a piece of paper and simply write your rule over and over, like this:
"I only have one rule:"
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.
If you're gonna get it on in a portable toilet, do it early in the day.
Never meet a girl's parents.
Never pass up a free sample.
Never pet a chicken.
If "Don't Stop Believing" comes on, stop whatever you're doing and sing along with one hand up in the air.
Never check a bag.
If it's yellow, flush it down, too.
Never spell check.
Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.
Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.
Never delete "Total Recall" from your DVR.
Never enter a wine bar. They attract women over 30.
Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.
No cats.
Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House.
Always wash your hands before returning to work.
Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.
However old a girl says she is‚ add five years. However much a girl says she weighs‚ add nine and a half kilos.
Never meet a girl for lunch.
Never repeat yourself.
Don't say the same thing twice.
Bang twice, dump once.
The longer the line, the better the food.
Throw it high, say "goodbye." Throw it low, you're going to the show.
When travelling internationally, it's best to stick to bottled water and avoid ice cubes.
C-cups and up.
Never run without stretching.
Never wear a clip-on.
Never use an airplane lavatory.
Wait at least an hour after eating before humping.
He who smelt it, dealt it.
Ask yourself, "What would Ramon do?" Then do the opposite.
Never order a "small" beer.
Black tie is never optional.
If someone yells "Duck!" then duck.
Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Girls or Food
During a seventeen course meal the other night, I realized something: I talk a lot about women on my blog. And while that’s great and my advice has led to innumerable amounts of lay-age, sometimes it leaves other things by the wayside. Like food. I’ve been increasing my caloric intake ever so slightly as of late and you’d be surprised how describing the life force of the world can be synonymous with describing the life force of my bedroom. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the phrases below and try and figure out whether I’m describing a girl or type of food. Good luck.
1. “Tasty white breast”
2. “Large, meaty and can ruin your night”
3. “Swedish meatballs”
4. “The hottest thing ever”
5. “Just turned 18.”
6. “Asian fusion”
7. “Full of crabs”
8. “Ham and cheese sandwich on toasted rye bread”
Answer key:
1. Food: Chicken
2. Food: Steak Burrito
3. Girl: Swedish breasts
4. Trick question: Food/Girl: Buffalo wings / Heidi Klum eating buffalo wings
5. Food: Single Malt Scotch (yeah, I know it’s a drink)
6. Girl: Lucy Liu + Kelly Hu + the Manuacle.
7. Food: Any Red Lobster restaurant
8. Food: It says ham and cheese on toasted rye bread. Use your brains.
1. “Tasty white breast”
2. “Large, meaty and can ruin your night”
3. “Swedish meatballs”
4. “The hottest thing ever”
5. “Just turned 18.”
6. “Asian fusion”
7. “Full of crabs”
8. “Ham and cheese sandwich on toasted rye bread”
Answer key:
1. Food: Chicken
2. Food: Steak Burrito
3. Girl: Swedish breasts
4. Trick question: Food/Girl: Buffalo wings / Heidi Klum eating buffalo wings
5. Food: Single Malt Scotch (yeah, I know it’s a drink)
6. Girl: Lucy Liu + Kelly Hu + the Manuacle.
7. Food: Any Red Lobster restaurant
8. Food: It says ham and cheese on toasted rye bread. Use your brains.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Attention fellow bros: you can stop reading this entry right now, 'cause this one is going out to the ladies.
Okay all you boob-owners, it's the night before the most important day on the chick calendar and you're freaking because you haven't landed that dreamy prince who will shower you will rose petals and chocolate candies and give you a unicorn and stuff. You're at the bar, but the competition is tough. Chicks are pulling moves normally only seen backstage at a ZZ Top concert. How do you stand out? Give that besuited fella you have your eye on a Desperation card® and make all his your dreams come true.
Instructions: Print the cards below, cut them out, and present to nearest bro.
P.S. this is too late for this year but you can always use it any random day.
Okay all you boob-owners, it's the night before the most important day on the chick calendar and you're freaking because you haven't landed that dreamy prince who will shower you will rose petals and chocolate candies and give you a unicorn and stuff. You're at the bar, but the competition is tough. Chicks are pulling moves normally only seen backstage at a ZZ Top concert. How do you stand out? Give that besuited fella you have your eye on a Desperation card® and make all his your dreams come true.
Instructions: Print the cards below, cut them out, and present to nearest bro.
P.S. this is too late for this year but you can always use it any random day.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
HARD TO GET
If you read my blog often, or simply live on this planet, you know that 100% of ladies play "hard-to-get." Recently, my best friend Francis and I found ourselves in an uncomfortable situation: a beautiful girl at the bar was stroking his arm and looking deep into his eyes, but the straw in her drink was pointing towards me. To a trained seduction artist like myself, it was obvious that this girl was teasing me with a classic game of "hard-to-get," while poor Francis was playing his own classic game of "gettin' hard a game he only plays with himself.
Here are ten other instances in which it may appear that a girl is uninterested, but is actually just playing "hard-to-get."
1. If she tells you she's "got boyfriend."
This is chick-code for "I haven't done it in months, take me now."
2. If you're blocking her path to the bathroom and she says, "Pardon me."
Take away the P, A, R, and N and you have "Do me." It doesn't get much clearer than that. She wants you to join her in stall #3.
3. If she slaps you.
You know what they say: any physical contact is good contact. Be sure to establish a "safe word" beforehand. I recommend "help!"
4. If she insists the bouncers escort you out of the bar.
She wants to get you away from her friends and have you all to herself.
5. If she's eating pretzels.
Wants you to wrap her legs up in knots. Duh.
6. If the email she gives you ends with @prodigy.net.
She wants your junk, not your junk mail. No post-coital conversation required.
7. If she refuses your offer to buy her a drink.
She wants you to buy her dinner instead in which case, bail. That's way too much effort when there's probably a girl nearby eating pretzels.
8. If she doesn't answer your phone calls.
She's letting your calls go to voicemail so she can listen to your voice over and over and over again. She horny!
9. If she's buttoning up her jacket and turning her body away from you.
She's teasing you by covering up her heaving bosom.
10. If she pulls you aside and says, "Seriously. You need to stop stalking me. You've been creeping me out all night. I'm about to call the cops."
Wink! It doesn't get much "harder to get" than that.
Here are ten other instances in which it may appear that a girl is uninterested, but is actually just playing "hard-to-get."
1. If she tells you she's "got boyfriend."
This is chick-code for "I haven't done it in months, take me now."
2. If you're blocking her path to the bathroom and she says, "Pardon me."
Take away the P, A, R, and N and you have "Do me." It doesn't get much clearer than that. She wants you to join her in stall #3.
3. If she slaps you.
You know what they say: any physical contact is good contact. Be sure to establish a "safe word" beforehand. I recommend "help!"
4. If she insists the bouncers escort you out of the bar.
She wants to get you away from her friends and have you all to herself.
5. If she's eating pretzels.
Wants you to wrap her legs up in knots. Duh.
6. If the email she gives you ends with @prodigy.net.
She wants your junk, not your junk mail. No post-coital conversation required.
7. If she refuses your offer to buy her a drink.
She wants you to buy her dinner instead in which case, bail. That's way too much effort when there's probably a girl nearby eating pretzels.
8. If she doesn't answer your phone calls.
She's letting your calls go to voicemail so she can listen to your voice over and over and over again. She horny!
9. If she's buttoning up her jacket and turning her body away from you.
She's teasing you by covering up her heaving bosom.
10. If she pulls you aside and says, "Seriously. You need to stop stalking me. You've been creeping me out all night. I'm about to call the cops."
Wink! It doesn't get much "harder to get" than that.
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