My One and Only Rule

I am, if nothing else, a man of integrity. I choose to live a life governed by strict morals, morals that are often difficult to remember. That's why I've simplified everything into one simple, easy-to-understand rule:


Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.


For me, it's just that simple. Whenever I encounter an ethically gray situation, that one rule almost always guides me in the proper direction.


After you've discovered your own "one rule," you'll need to commit it to memory. I find it helps to take out a piece of paper and simply write your rule over and over, like this:


"I only have one rule:"


Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.


Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.


If you're gonna get it on in a portable toilet, do it early in the day.


Never meet a girl's parents.


Never pass up a free sample.


Never pet a chicken.


If "Don't Stop Believing" comes on, stop whatever you're doing and sing along with one hand up in the air.


Never check a bag.


If it's yellow, flush it down, too.


Never spell check.


Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.


Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.


Never delete "Total Recall" from your DVR.


Never enter a wine bar. They attract women over 30.


Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.


No cats.


Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House.


Always wash your hands before returning to work.


Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.


However old a girl says she is‚ add five years. However much a girl says she weighs‚ add nine and a half kilos.


Never meet a girl for lunch.


Never repeat yourself.


Don't say the same thing twice.


Bang twice, dump once.


The longer the line, the better the food.


Throw it high, say "goodbye." Throw it low, you're going to the show.


When travelling internationally, it's best to stick to bottled water and avoid ice cubes.


C-cups and up.


Never run without stretching.


Never wear a clip-on.


Never use an airplane lavatory.


Wait at least an hour after eating before humping.


He who smelt it, dealt it.


Ask yourself, "What would Ramon do?" Then do the opposite.


Never order a "small" beer.


Black tie is never optional.


If someone yells "Duck!" then duck.


Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.