SEXPLORATION

n the early 1500s, an explorer by the name of Ferdinand Magellan set sail to become the first man to circumnavigate the globe. Ultimately, he failed miserably, ending up on the wrong end of a lethal arrow and most probably an uncomfortable bout with syphilis. However, Magellan’s voyage did provide important geographical information in the form of a plethora of maps and graphs, thus paving the way for future worldwide expansion. Five hundred years later, another man with similar intestinal fortitude stands before you, ready to share his extensive knowledge of the previously unknown. A man who also feels no nook should go uncharted, no cranny left uncultivated, and no crevice unexplored.

Yes, it is I, Manuel Rodriguez, who carries the torch from the great explorers of yesteryear, providing these detailed maps and charts from my own extensive travels. Below are some sample maps of my latest expedition. We’ll call her Sarah.

1. Neckopotamia: Explorers often overlook this seemingly insignificant piece of real estate, but don’t be fooled. The region is a virtual treasure trove that, if mined correctly, could open the gateway to lucrative and more rewarding exploration further south.

2. East Hipsylvania: East Hipsylvania is essential to any worthwhile explorer because of its prime location just west of Barneyland, with a plentiful bounty of natural resources to boot. Surrounded by rolling hills and lush valleys, I found settlements there to be both thriving and prosperous.

3. Mammary Peaks: Treacherous but rewarding, the peaks offer some of the most breathtaking views I’ve ever seen. The epicenter of Stacey, this terrific mountain range must be scaled and conquered before you can raise your flag.

4. Midriff Plains: These extensive flatlands are perfect for grazing and serve as the ultimate base camp. The experienced frontiersman knows that all expeditions should start from the plains, and in times of danger, I found the meadows to offer comfort, shelter and security.